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The Three Symptoms of Affair Withdrawal
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The Three Symptoms of Affair Withdrawal
by: Dr. Frank Gunzburg
When you end the affair, you might get a feeling of “withdrawal.” As I stated above, being in an affair is a lot like being addicted to a drug. This means that when you end the affair you will have to go through the uncomfortable experience of withdrawal before you can be “clean” again.
There are three major emotional symptoms of affair withdrawal: anger, anxiety, and depression. Why you might have these emotions should be fairly self-explanatory at this point.
You can expect to have intense withdrawal symptoms for about three weeks. You may continue to feel some symptoms for up to six months, but they should gradually diminish in intensity and frequency over this time period.
During this time, you are in a vulnerable position. Like an addict, you might be tempted to use your favorite drug again. You might be tempted to contact your lover again to help calm the force of your withdrawal symptoms.
Doing so is a little bit like a heroin addict in recovery who says they are “just going to do a little hit to make the pain go away.” This is clearly a terrible idea. If you do this, it is likely you will be tempted to start using again, end up back in the affair, and undo all the difficult work you have done up to this point.
Do not, I repeat, do not¸ attempt to contact your lover. This will destroy your relationship.
Instead, reinvest in repairing your relationship. This is liable to be difficult as well, particularly if you have just informed your partner about the affair. If you are talking to your partner at all, it is likely that your communication is negative and difficult. It is unlikely that you will be getting a great deal of positive feedback from your partner at this point and this is bound to make you feel emotionally disconnected. This could worsen your withdrawal symptoms.
If you feel that you have had your needs met in this affair in a way that they haven’t been met in your relationship, there is going to be a time when you need to address those problems with your partner. That time isn’t now. I say this here to help you have hope that you can get what you need out of your relationship and not feel compelled to continue going outside it to fulfill those needs.
Remember that you are going through this painful time for a reason: you want to heal your relationship. You can look at this difficult period as a necessary step to straightening out the mess you have made of your relationship. Like an addict, there may be a period of time in which you suffer. Going through that is the first step to putting your life back on the right course.
Keep in mind that when you maintain the course of recovery through this rough period, the reward is a relationship that is better than you ever dreamed. Use the strategies you have learned up to this point to overcome your negative feelings, and hang tight in your determination to rebuild your relationship. Your efforts will pay off.
None of this will be easy. You will likely face quite a lot of emotional difficulty when you end the affair. Nonetheless, it is necessary to face this pain in order to restore your relationship.
Neglecting Your Own Needs
Have you ever taken the time to stop and consider what you need out of your relationship? If you have, do you express these needs openly and honestly with your partner without blaming them for not having filled these needs? Or are you one of the many people out there who feel they don’t have any needs, don’t deserve to have any needs, or don’t deserve to have their needs met?
Too many people operate inside relationships without ever looking to fulfill their own needs in those relationships. Either they fail to see their own needs or they fail to communicate their needs with their partners. This can happen for a great many reasons.
Some people are convinced that they “don’t need anything.” These people are often closed up and have trouble looking at and accepting their emotional responses to what happens in their relationships. If you are the type of person who says, “I’m okay; I don’t need anything,” a lot of the time, you might fall into this category.
Others might know that they have needs, but feel that they are undeserving somehow and that expressing these needs belies a kind of selfishness on their parts, or they might be afraid they will come across as demanding or that expressing their needs might make their partners angry. Thus, they refuse to communicate their needs to their partners.
Still others know that they have needs and feel okay about this fact, but they don’t have the tools to properly communicate what they need.
Everyone has needs. You entered into a relationship in order to fulfill those needs. There is no shame in this. There is no reason to deny the needs you have. Doing so will only harm your relationship.
When you neglect your own needs, you put your partner in a very precarious position. You implicitly suggest to them that they should be able to fulfill your needs without even knowing what they are. In some cases, you are asking your partner to fulfill needs that you aren’t completely clear you have.
Think about asking your partner to go to the grocery store to pick up groceries. There would be quite a problem in doing this if you didn’t tell your partner what groceries you need. Now, imagine that your partner did go to the grocery store for you, even though you didn’t communicate what you needed, and returned with the wrong items. You might become angry or upset because they purchased the wrong groceries.
Leaving your partner in the dark like this is a heavy burden and can make your partner feel inept because they do not understand you better, angry because you aren’t telling them what you need, and frustrated because they can’t give you what you require, even if they are willing and able and want to please you.
On the flip side, you end up feeling that your partner is being unfair because they can’t accommodate you (though you might not have been clear on what you needed in the first place). Underneath this, you probably feel as though you cheated yourself by not communicating what you needed to begin with. Neglect is a terrible trap.
In a situation like this, either party can be driven to using this as justification for looking outside the relationship for love and understanding. When you neglect your own needs and then, subsequently, resent your partner for not fulfilling these needs, you might be tempted to go outside the relationship in the hope that someone else can give you what your partner couldn’t.
On the other hand, you might have been neglecting your needs and inadvertently putting the weight of the responsibility on your partner. This doesn’t serve your partner in any way, and they could then be tempted to find someone who is more forthcoming with what they require.
Dr. Frank Gunzburg is a licensed counselor in Maryland and has been specializing is helping couples restore their marriage for over 30 years. He is also the author of How to Survive an Affair, a step-by-step healing system that can help a couple repair their relationship after it has been shattered from an affair. If your relationship has been damaged by an affair and you would like a step-by-step system for repairing your relationship, then please visit Dr. Gunzburg's site for more information: http://www.surviveanaffair.com
Restoring Trust After The Affair Is Possible - A step-by-step system for saving your relationship after it's been shattered by an affair. Tormented by your unanswered questions? Devastated after having your complete self-worth sabotaged? Work through the healing and restoration of your relationship after an affair. Learn how to restore the honesty, safety and trust back into your relationship (even if your partner isn't yet willing).
Save Your Marriage or Relationship if you really want to!
"Discover How to Restore the Trust After An Affair - FREE Course"
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Dr. Frank Gunzburg |
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Download this FREE new 7-step email course from Dr. Frank Gunzburg and start learning today how to restore the trust back into your relationship.
You'll learn...
- How to start the healing process after an affair
- How to cope with initial trauma of the affair
- How to take control of your emotions and stay sane
- How to get the images out of your mind
- How to talk about the details of the affair
- Why the affair happened and how to prevent it from happening again
- Steps for restoring the trust back into the relationship
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