Tormented by your unanswered questions? Devastated after having your complete self-worth sabotaged? Work through the healing and restoration of your relationship after an affair. An affair doesn't have to cause the devastation, hurt and pain that you are feeling right now, there is a better way out. Learn how to restore the honesty, safety and trust back into your relationship (even if your partner isn't yet willing).
There is nothing quite like the pain and shock caused when a partner has been unfaithful. The hurt partner often experiences a profound loss of self-respect and falls into a depression that can last for years.
Cheating whilst in a relationship is probably the most hurtful thing one can do to their significant other. It ends up not only hurting the ego; it can make someone feel very insecure about themselves. Both the unfaithful partner and the betrayed one can confront their doubts and fears about recommitting, constructively communicate pain and anger, restore trust, renew sexual intimacy and forgive.
Assuming that the affair is definitely over and that both partners want to
continue their relationship -- and that’s often a big "If" in these situations
-- their first priority should be the restoration of trust.
While the person who had the affair is held accountable for his or her behavior,
relationship counseling provides a safe, confidential, and balanced environment
in which everyone works together to explore and rebuild the relationship.
Discover how to survive an affair and save your marriage or relationship by
ending the pain, healing the wounds and restoring the trust, even if you are the
only one who wants to and before it's too late ...
Having to face an affair in your relationship or marriage can be extremely
confusing ... just getting from one day to the next can be an incredible chore.
And although there are certain attributes in relationships that may give someone
the need to find sexual affection and gratification elsewhere, cheating usually
results from a dissatisfaction of sorts.
Right now, you are probably feeling as though someone has either punched you in
the stomach or stabbed you in the back -- or even both.
You are not alone.
Thousands of couples every single year suffer from the effects of one or both of
the spouses having an affair ... cheating, infidelity, adultery, whatever ...
it's all the result of an affair.
And it's an awful thing to go through.
It causes unnecessary pain, hurt and depression, and leaves one or both spouses
feeling bewildered and wondering what to do. And the worst part is that the
affair wasn't even necessary in the first place ... it was a mistaken attempt on
the cheating spouse's part to find something they thought was missing in their
existing relationship.
But here's the most important thing you need to understand: the affair wasn't
your fault at all!
That's right -- it's NOT YOUR FAULT
Sure, you have done some things wrong in your relationship, but you didn't force
your spouse to have an affair -- they CHOSE to do it.
And understanding THAT is the key to unlocking the secret to saving your
relationship or marriage if it has been devastated by an affair.
At the end of the day, we all just want to be with someone who loves us --
someone who makes us happy, makes us feel needed, gives us the attention we
deserve and someone who we can trust without having to think twice.
And that's not too much to ask for -- it's something we all deserve.
The affair is THEIR problem. Don't worry about what you did or did not do did
not "cause" the affair. He CHOSE that avenue to solve his dilemma. Did you make
mistakes? Sure, we all do. Could you have done some things differently? Of
course! He could have also! You are NOT defective. No one is a better lover or
person than you. Nothing is wrong with you!
Please understand. I care for someone who is having an affair because they are
trying to find something - like all of us. The problem: their way of finding
that something is really misguided. Anyone who chooses to trade one set of
problems for a worse set, or really believes that another person can make his
life better or "complete" obviously isn't thinking straight.
He is either lost in his empty neediness or his life is run by his glands.
Choosing an affair is temporary insanity. Affairs have absolutely nothing to do
with love - everything to do with personal neediness and the narcissistic need
for intense flattery. An affair is NOT the answer. Affairs don't pan out.
People are different, right? Well, so are affairs. Affairs are exceedingly
complex, but there are patterns that you can identify.
I assume you are
like 1,000s of others jolted by the affair, asking these questions:
(Substitute the word she for he if you would like.)
•Do I throw
him out?
•Or, should I let time heal?
•Will the affair stop?
•How long will it last?
•Can my marriage be saved?
•Should I talk to the other spouse?
|
•Will I ever
be able to trust again?
•How do I get rid of my anger and ugly thoughts?
•Where did I fail?
•Will I ever forgive? Forget?
•Should I spy?
•and more... |
What works to break free from one kind of affair will be disaster for another.
Are you confused? Not sure what to say? What to do? Afraid that saying one thing
might be destructive? Do you feel like you are walking on eggshells?
Most people don't play it smart. They react…usually in one
of two ways:
1.)
They try harder...to
tolerate. They swallow….hard. They wimp out and put up with all kinds of
crap. (Sorry about the language, but I assume you have thought worse.) They hope
time will cure and he will come to his senses.
Often they try
harder by being really nice - meeting his needs; it's called "working on the
marriage." Give him what he always said he wanted and win him back. Doesn't work. You
prostitute your integrity…and deep down you know it.. and resent it. As well,
you feel like you are competing with the OP (other person.). If he does stop
the affair and "comes back" it is out of guilt or pity and what do you really
have then?
2.) Others Go on the attack.
Plead. Beg. Become righteous. Explode every so often. Threaten. Become
depressed. Enlist the help of others. Use guilt. Use the children. Talk. Talk.
Talk. Desperately make promises.
Doesn't work
either. You don't have to become a basket case; it's no fun. And if he does
"come back" it's out of coercion. Don't you want to be wanted rather than
have him feel like he must be with you because you bullied him?
FACTS:
•80% of those
who divorce during an affair regret the decision.
•Over 75% who marry partners in an affair eventually divorce.
•If an affair replaces the marriage, it is subject to the same emotional
stresses as the marriage but twice as likely to fracture.
Identify
specifically what you are up against and you will feel more confident because
you know exactly what will work and what will not work. I'll show you how to end the pain, restore the trust, ask the tough questions,
and most importantly, determine exactly how your marriage or relationship can be
saved after an affair AND how likely it is that an affair will happen again (and
what you can do right now to prevent it)
Most studies indicate that if you go it alone, it takes 2 - 4 years to work
through and resolve the affair, whether you stay married or not. Yes, you read
that right. But, you want the agony to end today or yesterday, don't you? Well,
it won't…and there are no magic wands to make that happen.
But, and this is a huge but, it NEED NOT take 2-4 years.
Help yourself break free. Find relief. Begin to make sense of the affair. Know
what you must and can do to turn this around. Learn how to move through this
agony quickly. A better life waits for you.
Discover how to restore the trust after an affair -
FREE Course
Other useful Whispy.com articles on affairs, infidelity and cheating:
Reasons Cheaters, Cheat
Recovering/Healing After an Affair
How to End
an affair
Affair
Withdrawal
Levels of Cheating
Neglecting
Your Partners Needs
Rebuilding Your Relationship After an Affair
Healing
Emotional Effects, Scars, Trauma, After an Affair
Note: by: Dr. Lacy Leu - MS, MA, Relationship, Marriage, Family Therapist
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